Loosely coupled

When we think about relationships, organizations, cities, as systems, one of the questions that comes up is how tightly "coupled" different parts of the system are -- are two parts of a process so closely wound together that they are completely interdependent, that they need each other to function in order to function? Or is there "looser" coupling, slack in the connections that may create less rigidity and predictability, but more opportunity for creative responses?

My grandmother's death is making me realize how loosely coupled this part of my family system is. There is no reason for us to all hang together, really, no overarching narrative of what it means to be part of this "clan," no central point of connection. We've all had a sense of warm enough "obligation" about Grandma in the past decade, have our own more tightly coupled points of connection (me and my one set of cousins, my mom and Jane) and somehow those points allow information to travel through the system in a reasonably effective way, and we stay a system, of a sort. We enjoy each other at the one or two family gatherings that happen a year -- weddings, milestone birthday parties, the occasional casually put together Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner of who happens to be around -- but the connection points are loose.

One glaring example of this is that Grandma's obit missed a few people. Including Grandpa, some grandchildren, the family members who don't have obvious role nouns attached to them (like the dead sons' wives and Ray and Nicole, whom I think of as my cousins, but who are technically second cousins to me, and not grandchildren to my grandmother). It was, I'm sure, hastily cobbled together by my aunt, who seems to have the reluctant role of making the family happen. I'm sure some people were hurt by the omissions -- and this also points out the gap in any kind of "authority" in our family. There is no "they" to actually be hurt by, to feel shunned by -- just the pointed evidence of the way we hang together, haphazardly, twisted together with old rope in no real patterns.

Melissa and I had a conversation yesterday about how to honour Grandma's memory if she doesn't go to the funeral -- and I strongly urged her not to take Mica on a plane yet. "Maybe a memorial euchre game," she fretted, "among the sisters." That makes sense to me.

Stef and I had a more pointed, self-effacing conversation about our shared experience of feeling quite bad that our first reaction was yes, sadness, but backgrounded to how this affected OUR plans, lives, how our recognition of loss is distant enough to be refracted through the other more vivid ways we connect to our worlds and family. We shared a bit of a sighing reaction to timing -- me re F's visit, hers re trying to recover from illness, find time to go to Windsor with J and his kids later in the summer -- but she also put boldly up front some of the mini-stories that keep the narrative of C----- Family bumping along:

"C and i had better play this one VERY shrewdly, if we're going to keep everyone *else* from using this opportunity to make off with albums full of pics of dad and anything else of his...which really should be ours, not just for our specific lineage but also for our fascination with, and commitment to, studying things like genealogy, where we come from and knowing more about WHO WE ARE..."

"i wonder what happens to the fossilized eggs in her rafters" (A reference to the easter egg hunts that emblematize my dad to us, and the mythic leaving of eggs in the attic from year to year).

"i wonder if grandma WILL be leaving sarah all her lipsticks... (A reference to the infamous time that my cousin, at 6, said "Grandma, when you die, can I have your lipsticks?").

I think that's what the life of this woman, my grandmother was about -- making this sprawling family happen, setting the tone for determination and loose connections, creating a world that circles together, flows in and out of contact points, small stories holding us in familiarity.

I'm looking forward to seeing people tomorrow, seeing my current self in this context, feeling the connections that have shaped who I am and am becoming in this part of my life. And I'm watching myself in that loosely coupled space, gazing at where F and I could go, valuing the other dynamic connections in my life that move closer together and further apart and back again into rhythm. Grateful for the warmth I'm feeling in the end of the coupledness with D, for the continued opening up of my friendship with S, for the warm reconnection with A earlier this week. Grateful for all that is reflecting me back in the ways I want to be seen, giving me space to be.