Bruxism

Teeth clenching. I've been doing that for at least 3 or 4 years, culminating in biting one of my own molars right off when Kat offered me watermelon gum while I was contemplating buying Jinx BeGone Potion in one of the rickety little stores in our neighbourhood at xmas. Now I'm in the middle of tedious dental work and I am still. clenching, literally and metaphorically.

Finally got all of the feedback from my committee, and trying to assimilate it all and integrate it in a meaningful way to do a revision to my Giant Document is just... hard. Some of it is conflicting, and I can't settle on a context. Some of it is in the realm of "do this to please my committee," some of it is "what do I absolutely have to do to get to the FOR stage," some of it is "how will my Famous Guy external read this, how do I improve it for him?" -- and some of it is, "this is my WORK, this is what matters, and I don't know how to assess it."

And I'm deep in another angstful round of "what exactly happens NEXT." Swirling emotions, displacement onto sock knitting and fretting and roasting chickens, as I move words around and bite off my own teeth.

Pedaling

I had all of this bloggifying to do but it keeps slipping out of my attention. (Like Scarlett O'Hara and a new bonnet, when figures just fall slap out of her head).

FInished a draft of my dissertation, sent it off, and had elation/deflation. Which was convenient in some ways, because I could channel my angst into finishing up the final course paper I was co-writing with Linda, about paradox and generativity and reflexivity.

It's been a really suspended place, this time of waiting for my committee to give me feedback, so close to being done, and so far away from it. Got my first feedback yesterday, from the member of my committee who gives extremely thorough and comprehensive responses to *pieces* -- but I don't have a strong sense of the overall picture from her. It's hard to describe, the flattening of hearing "yes, this 275 page tome is incredibly complex and good, and here are 9 pages of things I didn't understand." And each of those things is a key concept. I don't know how to wade back into these reeds and make anything of it. So I wait for the other two, to triangulate some focus for me. It's sort of weirdly desperate, being so close to being done something that's gone on for 6.5 years, having produced this massive piece of work, but feeling like I'm still swimming and can see the land but keep trying to find the bottom with my feet.

So, diversions. Got a magnificent new road bike -- a Specialized Ruby Comp -- far more bike than I deserve, and not only do I adore it, but I fine it changes the landscape here for me completely. Now this isn't just a flattening suburb, but an expanse of ridable hills and perfect roads.

I've also been knitting my fool head off, and am almostdone my very first sock. It's a bit saggy in the ankle, but it's sock-shaped and I'm very delighted with it. Pics to follow.

And that's it. I ride, I knit, I poke away at leftover bits of work and client stuff, and I grope for the rocks under my feet.