My 42 year old bottom

It's my birthday, and I realize that I'm 42 and still not completely skilled in basic life logistics.

It's bloody freezing here. On Tuesday, I put on a really old pair of tights that I remember being warm because I had to walk to a meeting. There was something awry. About a block from my house, I felt an ominous... creeping. I did some ungraceful but ineffective clutching, and by the time I got to the meeting -- a 10 minute walk -- my tights were *completely down below my ass*. I was wearing a) a short skirt and b) an ass-baring thong. I was as *exposed* as a land-flopped fish.

So. I was on the corner where my client is. I had to navigate some horrible filthy muddy construction, then waddle, thighs pressed together, to the elevator. There was one other woman in there. A stranger. So I took a leap of intimacy and said excuse me, I'm having a wardrobe malfunction, and I did all of this maneuvering and clutching while trying to not give away the fact that I was accidentally mooning the world. I wriggled and yanked, she laughed, and then when we got out of the elevator, she *came into my meeting*.

SHE WAS A NEW CONSULTANT ON MY PROJECT.

I had to walk home *clutching* the tights and then I pulled my skirt up to see how far down they were and my whole big huge white ass was just hanging out there, straight in the air.

Maybe I should buy myself some new tights for my birthday.