I think I've reshaped a full ripeness of self, thank the gods of spinning gyroscopes and other tryst-made visions. I'm feeling settled and *present* and energized in all the right ways. Clarity sharpening on my research project from my time with the slyly perverse phenomenologist in Houston, present in my most physical joyful self from the new connections made (at what point do new characters start to debut here? So twisty when I know they might read it), words on pages that make sense, and God!, sunshine and a marketplace that includes the strobe-lighted punk band last night (too amplified but joyfully full-throated) and a loud singalong of "I saw the light" this afternoon. The voices all twine up and twist me into them, molding me into someone I can finally really feel stepping forward.
Someone on my online forum asked the other day where "queer" fit into my list of how I describe myself. "Is it in the top 3?" These conversations pop up like annualsat Fielding, workshops on identity where we all list these long descriptors. It always amazes me when so many of my fellow students -- Americans all -- list phrases like "I am a Child of God" in their first tier. Perversely makes me want to say "I am a Sexual Being!" No one ever says things like that, the dykes all focused on marriage and families, the fags trapeze artists or secondarily claiming that identity, the straight people all earnest. I don't think I have a hierarchy -- I claimed fluidity of identity in my life list my first week at Fielding -- but I do know that being fully physically connected needs to be part of what I live into. And it feels *good* to be able to spend an afternoon in bed and feel deeply connected but not tethered.
A couple of weeks ago, I was reading Lynn Crosbie's extraordinary book Liar (a book length poem about the death of a relationship). One couplet felt like a cautionary tale:
I am peering through the slats of a truck, shank to shank
with everyone who has mistaken their life for a prelude
It feels good that I am living into Stephin Merrit's much more playful world: One kiss from me/and you'll be overjoyed and overwrought/one kiss from me/and you'll see god
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