The rain won't change my mind

let it fall.

I don't know why I never seem to have an umbrella, suddenly. I got drenched this morning, right down to my underwear, for about the fifth time in a couple of months. Portland was the worst for the sudden cloudbursts pinning me smaller soaking wet under the weight of the whoosh, but today gave it competition. I was disjointed to start with -- was supposed to meet D for breakfast at 9:30, woke up at 7:00, went back to sleep and woke up with a start at 9:15. Hurled my reading and ibook into my backpack so I could go to the library after we ate to work on my dissertation proposal... took off, late and scattered, hair wet, ... and then after our nice little connected brekkie, the deluge.

Freezing, I ended up going home, drying off and changing, writing at my kitchen counter, cosy with the rain outside, Bach and Yo Yo Ma the inside climate, good inroads. And... still wondering why I am so out of joint. Too many things, some flowing unbelievably, others just not quite making the catch as I leap from one trapeze to the other. Still faltering on generating meaningful new client work (for the second time in a month didn't get a piece of work because I'm "too experienced"), sleeping out of synch, leaving a little too late for times agreed on, never having an umbrella. And yet, my school work is flowing and feeling possible, F and I are creating something together that continues to awe me in its potential, my conversations with people I love are full of richness and affirmation for each other, I'm running faster and further than I have for a while. Balance, I guess, pushing the edges of what my space can accommodate, creating elasticity.